January 23, 2022

The Crow remake – Just No.

Hollywood, stop it. Please. We get it, you are a creatively bankrupt multi-billion dollar industry trying desperately to stay relevant amidst the videogame revolution. The fact you let Mr Bay make Transformers: Dark of the Moon brings shame and dishonour upon your house.

And remakes are getting out of hand. Fright Night – it’s not as good as the original, and it’s the tag-team of Colin Farrel and David Tennant that bring credibility to that movie. It’s a shame. And that’s before we get to the idea you guys want to remake the Street Fighter movie – I mean, how many times do you need to be reminded how badly it went before you stop?

But I accept this because I must. But I refuse to tolerate a remake of The Crow.

It’s not even the idea of the remake that annoys me – it’s the names linked to it, people who made their name in comedy, as action heroes, and all of them are about as bland as they can be. I mean, Mark Wahlberg?! Wow. I didn’t honestly believe that they made actors out of cardboard…

The Crow is not comic or bland. It’s a tragic tale of a man who cannot find rest in the afterlife until he has avenged the deaths of those he loves. It’s a dark, brooding, sinister sort of movie – action yes, with a splash of horror and a tinge of menace. Stick to what you know – and that means if you made your name doing something else… stay with it.

The movie also has its own dark history – Brandon Lee was killed on set when a fake gun malfunctioned, and the charge blew off the cap over the barrel – shooting a circular disc of metal into him, much like a bullet. He of course died from his injuries. Forgetting the rumours of a curse, there’s a very good reason to keep your hands off. The lead actor had a promising career cut short. This is a testament to his memory – and should be preserved for future generations.

I would absolutely go with someone trying to make a game – but it would have to be a GOOD studio doing it. I’d throw it over to Platinum Games if I had any say in it – they of Bayonetta fame. Much like The Crow, it’s a trashy piece of cult chic with an edge of darkness and designed to be over-the-top violent. I think they could do it real justice.

But no movie. Please, no movie. Leave it alone, there are dozens and dozens of lesser movies to pillage for your remake kicks… The Crow is a thing of an era, of beauty and tragedy. It’s a good film. It deserves better than to be wrung through the grinder of Hollywood.

I mean, come on Hollywood, you’re already talking remaking Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I have things older than that in my freezer!


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