July 2, 2022

Please stop sinking my Battleship!

So, I knew there was a Battleship movie coming out, but hadn’t paid much attention to it. In a world frantically looking for new licences to milk, regardless of how long they’ve been dead, it was only a matter of time.

But a game of Battleship? Now you have my attention!

Or, perhaps, not.

The movie, and by token the game, is based on the last stand for humanity against an invading and hostile alien menace (not to be confused with the invasively over-sexed aliens in Mass Effect). The last hopes of survival rest on an elite squadron of naval tactical officers out at sea drawing the fire wait what the goddamn hell am I reading? Who in their right and sane mind thought this was going to fly as a plot? Not only is it tired, cliche and practically so overbaked its a wonder there’s anything left in it, but it’s just plain stupid. I’m sorry. It is.

And the game, based on the movie, is an FPS. So it’s another military-themed alien-invasion shooterfest. Not like we have a shortage of those doing the sodding rounds.

I’m sorry, but the whole project sounds like grade-A horse manure. And the game – out to coincide with the movie (of course) looks… pretty shonky, actually. Compared to the likes of Crysis and RAGE and Bulletstorm. But then, this coming from the studio that brought us the wonderfully meh Silent Hill: Homecoming. And being published by those purveyors of utter tripe, Activision.

Congratulations, you have managed to complete the impossible. The worst licence, the worst concept, the worst script, the worst acting (I assume the acting will be hammy otherwise what is the point? Playing it straight will make it worse!),  the worst actors (Rihanna? Liam Neeson? Seriously?), the worst game tie in, by one of the most disappointing studios of recent memory (Sorry, ’tis true) and oh yes, published by Activision, who everyone hates.

This game will cause a spatial anomaly of its own. Its very existence is so macabre and mired in mediocrity and terrible-ness that the end product can only be something of utter evil, the birth of the software version of the Antichrist. I actually don’t even feel sorry for anyone involved in this project. Anyone with any sense could have seen how this was going. Anyone with a soul, in any case, which I am trying to convince myself no-one involved could have, because the implications are normal people thought this was a fantastic idea and totally brilliant concept!

Battleship hits the movies on April 20th. The game follows a mere few weeks later on May 12th.

Let’s hope they’re not so bad they begin the apocalypse…


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