Today I am blowing off a little bit of steam. After a frustrating couple of days, here are five gaming characters for whom I would love to do some nip/tuck on. Preferably with the aid of a baseball bat and steel-capped boots. Will Navi be at the top of this list? Am I really that predictable? Find out after the jump!
After a particularly bad day, I was playing World of Warcraft and obviously alting I had to go to Garrosh to continue onwards, and my instinctive reaction to him was, “Man, I want to use your face as a punching bag all day and all night long.” I just don’t like him. When I mentioned this to guildies, they quickly began to discuss other gaming characters that given the opportunity, they would most like to rearrange the faces of. And obviously, that’s brought me here. Five characters for whom I would have no qualm about hitting over and over and over again. And then maybe hitting them some more.
5 – Otis (Dead Rising)
This guy gives you a walkie-talkie radio thing as you, as Frank West, run around the department store of Willamette trying to save people. Except Otis doesn’t appreciate that you might, you know, be saving somebodies life. Or running for your life. Or have been knocked over by one of the nutters screaming about the place. Or generally not getting the hint WE DO NOT LIKE YOU! The guy pings you at the worst possible moments and then gets pissed off at you for having the audacity of hanging up on him! When he gets into that stroppy moment, all I can do is envision Frank, baseball bat in hand, applying force to Otis’ special place. And then throwing him off the rooftops to be eaten by zombies. And I bet he’d STILL be radioing you to remind you he’s coming to eat your brains. Just go away Otis. No-one likes you.
4 – Raiden (Metal Gear Solid 2)
Raiden is one of those characters that may be about to get a reinvention with his appearance in the stupidly-named “Revengeance”, but mostly the reason I disliked Raiden is that he’s a spy who acts as though he’s a spoilt little fourteen year old girl. His typically effeminate Japanese stylings would also have been tolerable if they hadn’t insisted that we end up playing as Raiden naked with no clothes on. I mean, seriously, I’m guessing there weren’t many girls about the offices if you thought that was a great idea Kojima Productions! Couple this with his ungrateful attitude to things, his tendency to whine and that Snake and dozens of much more brilliant characters were there for the taking and yes. I would like to see Raiden run over by a tank. Although in the new game, it appears someone has beaten me to it…
3 – Miles ‘Tails’ Prower (The Sonic Series)
This is a total cheap shot because there was once a time I loved Tails. Tails was cute and cuddly and nice and had a use and a purpose. And then they went and made Sonic Adventure and made him a whiny, arrogant genius kid with the depth and warmth of a week-old slice of toast. It’s not often I get to sympathise with Sonic the Hedgehog but with Tails, Knuckles and Amy about the place, I’m surprised he hasn’t been driven to stand in the path of an oncoming bus yet! The whole Sonic universe is full of quite unlikeable characters, I mentioned two but Shadow and Silver can fit here too. As could Sonic, but he’s the star. He is right to have a bit of an ego. It’s Tails and the systematic destruction over the years of his whole personality that makes him most deserving of a beating, the ungrateful little ball of…
2. Wheatley (Portal 2)
You know what? I’m going to be honest. This has little to do with the character itself (although Wheatley is a massive douche of epic proportions!), and more the fact that he is voiced by Stephen Merchant. There, I said it. No, I don’t find the guy funny and no, I don’t admire his pluck. Wheatley is a serviceable baddie but obviously with the voice of a man for whom the sounds of Justin Bieber would be welcome relief, he never grew on me and it went downhill from there. And why does he have a human-style voice anyway? Seriously, I would rather have a tea party with GLADoS and her neurotoxin than have to be forced to carry this thing around with me. When the only orb you remember with any fondness is the Space One, for his seconds of screentime, yeah. I hope Wheatley rots in space.
1. Tingle (Zelda Series)
Seriously, you thought this was going to be Navi, didn’t you? WRONG! Navi annoyed me in technically one game (maybe two). Tingle has been in EIGHT of them. And here is the clincher for me – he’s not a fairy. He’s a grown middle-aged man who dresses up in a fairy outfit and for the most part hangs around waiting for a young kid – usually Link – to come by. I mean, SERIOUSLY?! Even by the usual Japanese standards this is so off the charts I’m not sure we can keep track of how wrong this is! He’s not the most likeable, he’s not funny and he sure as hell isn’t endearing. Not to mention in some of the games he’s a crook as well, with theft and GBH a part of the list of crimes this man has been responsible for. But mostly it’s the fact he’s a middle-aged man in a fairy suit. If that’s not enough reason to beat the crap out of him… I don’t know what is.
There, nice and short. And I feel a hell of a lot better now as well! Catch you for something a bit more serious very soon!
Did you agree? Disagree? Think this is a pointless waste of time?
Or just want to scrawl a massive phallus on the wall on your way out?
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