Okay, my small readership. Here’s what’s happening.
I have never set out to have a super-duper, high-traffic blog.
I just wanted a corner of the Internet to call my own and say what was on my mind. I’m content to keep doing what I do for as long as my body is capable of doing it – it keeps me from going stir crazy, and it’s very therapeutic. I highly recommend it, of course.
The thing in that is the obvious – “as long as my body is capable of doing it”… and that’s starting to become a problem.
Lately, scans have shown a growth in my lower back which has helped move several discs from their positions, pushing down on certain nerves (including the S1). Whilst it’s not cancer – thank goodness – it’s not exactly the picture of perfect health and it isn’t going to correct itself. This has also been turning up my feet at improbable angles, as the nerves and muscles effectively malfunction, and with arthritis… yeah, my right foot is locked at a 40 degree angle. That too isn’t going to fix itself.
It’s also starting to affect my arms a little – numbness, pins and needles and slight muscle spasms. It’s making this sort of thing take way longer than I’d normally have taken; I could knock out a piece in an hour or two hours, but now it’s starting to take much longer as I stop and start and rest and recuperate between aches, pains and pangs. In the last few years, I’ve lost the sight in my right eye and had a horrible post-op infection, as well as issues with my blood production.
In short, my body is starting to struggle. And I’m starting to struggle.
Medically, there are plans afoot. I’ve got a meeting with a Neurosurgeon soon, so that explains pretty much what’s happening there. And if all goes well, I have a fair recovery road ahead of me even there, and after all of that, I still might struggle. Things can – and have in the past – gone wrong. My crappy fleshy body just isn’t capable enough of shrugging things off any more. And I have to admit, I’m kind of tired of fighting this stuff all the freaking time. (No, I’m not considering anything drastic – I’m just constantly exhausted!) I don’t have the energy to promote this blog, to keep reacting to stuff or to keep typing.
I used to put new posts up five times a week – now I consider it a miracle if I can manage three, and good if I manage two. With a variety of medications, my mental acuity perhaps has taken a swan-dive of late. I can dig that. My doctor knows. We’re working on seeing if we can improve things there, but whatever happens – I’m on a cocktail of pretty potent prescription pills (natural alliteration!), and they are going to affect me whatever I take. And in some cases, I’m just going to have to suck it down and #dealwithit.
So what am I getting at? I have no desire to close this blog down – I have loved having a corner of the web to call my own and I want to continue loving my own corner of the Internet. And being one of those habitual writer-types, I need somewhere to dump my text after all, when I can muster the energy and ability to do so.
But I can’t deny that there may be larger gaps between posts.
If I want to continue ranting about the games industry – and I do – the next few months require me to really focus on rest, recovery and whatever physio is necessary afterwards. I have to focus on me, and my physical and mental well-being. I have two siblings preparing to marry their individual partners, so I’ve got to get well for that – I don’t want their happy days to have me lingering over as a looming disaster of a downer. That’d be selfish.
I have to put my faith in the NHS to fix a few things first (silence in the back!) and then the rest is up to me. And I’m getting older. I’m not far off my middle-age (though to be fair, I had my mid-life crisis years ago so at least I don’t have to worry about that…). Bouncing back is getting harder, though I still intend to do so.
If all goes well, when things settle down, I plan a bit of a relaunch. New look, fresh new optimism and a much more fit and healthy body (well, as fit and healthy as a middle-age disabled body can be I suppose) to go with a much more rested mind. Time frame on that? I dunno, I’d like to see it happen for the 2017 New Year… but we’ll see what happens.
Thank you for the last five years (jeez, has it been that long already?), and no, this is not goodbye. I’m way too stubborn for that – plus there are people who are annoyed every time I wake up and take a deep, bracing breath. Knowing that is extremely fun and I’m not giving that up. I still very much intend to dance on certain graves.
I’ll see you when I can write stuff. And hey, you know I won’t miss the NX reveal.
They’ll have to chain me to a hospital bed to keep me from that…